#17905 - 06/29/07 04:01 PM
"Maybe in heavenI can sleep."
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Anonymous
Anonymous
Unregistered
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Hello there my name is Doyle and I was hoping that some of you guys might read my Super Short Story below. It was based on a dream i was having and i would like some honest feedback. I mean my family has read it but they just say its great and crap like that, and i don't feel I can grow as a writer without real honest feedback. SO yeah if u have the time i posted the story below just to make it easier for ya its not long but i a-lot work into it. And I am aware that my grammar, sentence structure, and punctuation all need work I have enrolled in some classes at a Community College to help me with that. but yeah thanks for the time and let me know what u think
So I was walking to my truck this morning. When it was as if i was turned
upside down with my feet firmly planted on the ceiling. and this was
only the begging of my confusion for u see the ceiling was not truly
there at all, in fact it was like walking upside down 10 feet in the
air on a completely transparent surface the sky below me the ground
above me, and at that time all rules and laws of the physical world
left me and I felt that i was capable of anything. So I began to run
and run faster than any human on earth is capable of. And I ran and ran
and just kept on running for what seemed like days but In ever once
felt tired nor did I wish to stop it felt like flying. It felt like
freedom, and at the very pentacle of that moment the moment in which i
was happiest. I realized that the one thing I could not do was to jump,
now don't get me wrong I could in fact use my legs to push off of this
substance, or sort of improvised floor I suppose u could call it, but
the ground being directly above me and the limitations of my human
strength and abilities being cast off of me made it very clear that if
i were to jump that I would smash head first into the ground and with
the realization that if I hit the ground or an unmovable object being
what the ground represented at this time, I would surly die. For u see
I was moving faster than I had ever moved before. And not just while
running either, I was very sure that I was in fact moving faster than
my physical body had ever been pra-paled by any and all means of
travel. So it was at the moment I decided to stop running I just stood
there for a brief moment. Thinking about nothing. Thinking about
everything and I simply fell backwards slowly not bothering to catch
myself at all and at the instance in which I expected a collision
between Floor and myself there was nothing, nothing at all. And so I
just kept on falling and falling. Further and faster upwards away from
the ground away from the one thing I could not control or overcome it
was if I willed myself away from the only thing that offered any sort
of resistance to me at all and I did not stop or consider stopping,
because after all were should I stop. Eventually I fell away from the
earth itself and all the heavens and Majesties of space were before me,
and yet I remained as I was falling upwards farther and faster each
moment content to fall away forever and ever, or until It was my
decision to stop, and it was at that moment I had yet another
realization. What if i could not stop? I had never done this before
what if I was unable to stop myself from this eternity. This self
imposed self allowed eternal drift through time and space, and for a
moment i was afraid. So In that fear I decided to fall forever and
always. I closed my eyes and fell never once did I bother to sneak a
peek and take in the beauty's and the wonders of the unknown. No not
once for u see I was content doing the very thing I knew that I could
and wished not to be interrupted with the possibilities of things i
could not...
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#17913 - 07/09/07 05:44 AM
Re: "Maybe in heavenI can sleep."
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Nate741
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Registered: 02/25/04
Posts: 526
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yes, actually.
I don't see very good paragraph definaition. It looks all together to me.
(Example) - Not a good one but its something.
This is an excerp from Castle of dreams:
The white walls of the castle stand well over a hundred feet high from the ground to the top, built on the fjord of solid stone, surrounded by the sharp rocks, the swirling churning sea that makes it a formidable and foreboding place. It is at the edge of the Fjord and a deepwater cove, a thriving seaport that serves this castle for ships. A large island of rock on one side protects its flank from the sea. On the other side, on the mainland, surrounding this place is a fertile valley, with farmlands directly outside the castle walls. A thick forest spreads out beyond the walls, like a sea of green across the valley to the Algora Mountain Range that surrounding this sheltered valley. It is a place of peace and prosperity until now.
It has been only in the one hundred years that there was more than just the castle and through the years many people traveled to this place from all over, knowing of it as a refuge from the dark times that now are in this age. A village had sprung up, one of an impressive moderate size that formed around the castle, the people coming here to live in peace and escape the darkness of the Inquisition that now rages across the land. The castle has no king, no ruler, only a council of twelve that is the only leadership guiding the people. They are a wise and generous council, guiding the people who had taken refuge here, with wisdom, compassion and understanding.
As you can see two different thoughts and two different paragraphs. unless dialogue.
Then it would be like this:
(Again from Castle of Dreams)
“Rijiin!” She said, “Lle seiremin eicetu eska!” She planted kisses on his face, holding him tightly.
“Aye.” He replied, “Amin purjen a' na-eska.”
“So happy to be in your arms beloved,” He added quickly, holding his lover tightly.
“I thought your journey was to be a long one, beloved.” She asked, and he nodded, a look of sadness on his face.
Hopes this helps.
Nathaniel
Edited by Nate741 (07/09/07 05:46 AM)
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#18445 - 03/30/08 07:53 PM
Re: "Maybe in heavenI can sleep."
[Re: Nate741]
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Anonymous
Anonymous
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Hey there.
This has promise, but needs to be deveoloped. This is the kind of rough branstorm work that you will throw up in a journal if you kept one by your bed to capture such crazy dreams. Now that you have the seeds for a story, plant them in firm ground.
Ask yourself why and how this strange situation came about, and who is this charactor and what does he think and feel...in grater detail. Envision it, break it down and describe it in dtail. You'll see, the more you think about it, the more interessting ideas and directions will come of it.
But it deffinitely needs work. You have to sift through your thught sand feelings and invent some point of view. Then stain it through a little more before this can be a story with a plot and charactors and any kind of entertainment vaiue.
Right now your story is a skeleton. It needs heart, some fleshing out, and a mindset to become a living entity.
If you don't know what I mean, then just read and practice more. See how the grammar is done in the books you read. See how the paragraphs are laid out. See how everything has a structure, and there is a kind of order, even where the professional author seems to be writing in complete chaos. You'll get it.
Try reading my editorial story "Is Writing A Job?" I explain my view in more detail.
G.H. Hadden
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