#48503 - 11/27/11 11:15 AM
Re: Clueless
[Re: Mechknight73]
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Squea
addict
Registered: 02/11/08
Posts: 580
Loc: Texas
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I've decided that masturbation is more important that whatever I can give him. I guess porn has always been there, it's easy, convenient, and it has no demands.
I'm definitely empathizing with people who wonder if they can have their wonderful platonic marriage and still get something on the side.
I wouldn't ever cheat on Hubby, but I'm definitely empathizing...
It's almost December. We've had sex 6 times this year. So, I guess I can see that Hubby is trying...the frequency has increased the past 3 months to sex once a month! I should be overjoyed, right? But, when we do have sex, it's fantastic!
It sucks. I feel disloyal and unappreciative for what we do have. He's loving, cuddly, considerate. He loves being around me. Sometimes he'll ask me to sleep on the couch in the office while he stays up working, just so I'll be near him. He wants to cuddle with me on the couch during movies/tv shows. He kisses me. He likes being physically affectionate: scratch my back, rub my neck, kiss my neck, tickle me.
He (his words) wants me "love [him] and have fun with [him]". And by that gauge of our relationship, we do have a great relationship.
I love him, and I love how he makes me laugh, how he relaxes me after a stressful day. But, I'm 31. I don't know if I can be OK with such infrequent sex. I told my mom that Hubby and I have an almost perfect relationship, as long I have no expectations or desire for sex.
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#48508 - 11/28/11 12:48 PM
Re: Clueless
[Re: Jake]
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AntEater
Pooh-Bah
Registered: 02/06/08
Posts: 1950
Loc: UK
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Squea,
I'm really sorry for you. I can appreciate what it is you are going through.
In my case it is me that masturbates too much, far too much, but it is because I can't share the experience with MrsAE and I can't switch off the desires within.
I'm not sure how many times we've made love this year, actually I'm not sure what constitutes making love within out relationship any longer. I terms of what I would count as really having sex, I guess we've managed twice in the last two months, which has to be far better than the rest of the year. They've also been some of the best sex we've had in years, but twice in two months is not something I know how to cope with.
Life is just so busy, are children are growing older, the eldest doesn't go to bed till ten at night, by the time he's gone to bed LadyAE needs time to relax and be without the kids so by the time we are ready for bed she is far too tired to be interested in sex. At the weekend Saturday mornings are taken up with the kids sports, Sunday's she like to go to church, so mornings are out. We should be able to find time during the day, I'm often working from home but when I've tried getting her interested at these times it not worked out as she just isn't in the mood. Instead we spend the time going out for a quick lunch together since that way we concentrate on each other and remember what we saw in each other in the first place.
But now she rarely feels the need for sexual release and I can't escape from it.
I haven't a clue how to resolve this issue, to me sex isn't about getting my rocks off, I can do that for myself if there is no alternative, to me it is about sharing the experience, about being desired, being found exciting, of experiencing the things that one person on their own can never know.
Coffee shops might be good for one kind of togetherness but it doesn't help in other ways.
_________________________
Anteater, or thanks to CG "Monsieur Manger de Tante" 
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#48509 - 11/28/11 07:10 PM
Re: Clueless
[Re: Squea]
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Sextified
enthusiast
Registered: 08/18/08
Posts: 371
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I've decided that masturbation is more important that whatever I can give him. I guess porn has always been there, it's easy, convenient, and it has no demands.
It's a hard habit to change. I don't think you guys got into your current situation overnight. I would expect the final solution won't occur right away either. Is porn something you could occasionally enjoy together? Do you know what types of sex he watches? And why? Is there something you want to see on screen that he might not immediately understand? Masturbation is (mostly) a solo endeveavor. But perhaps you could do it in front of each other? For each other?
I'm definitely empathizing with people who wonder if they can have their wonderful platonic marriage and still get something on the side.
When I was married I had several opportunities to cheat. I constantly made sure that I was never alone with the girls who didn't seem to care if I was married. When I had to work every day with one of them, that was hard. Eventually, the extra feelings I also felt passed, and the infatuation went away. If they had more actively pursued me, like they ended up doing one of my workmates, I don't honestly now what would have happened. She broke up his marriage and then lost her job over the affair as well.
I wouldn't ever cheat on Hubby, but I'm definitely empathizing...
If I ran across a true no strings FWB situation now? As long as I could care for them I might do it. Sex just for sex sake is not such a driving force in me. Masturbation is a much better option, at least for me. Sex with no emotional connection, or without equal enthusiasm is worse than no sex at all.
It's almost December. We've had sex 6 times this year. So, I guess I can see that Hubby is trying...the frequency has increased the past 3 months to sex once a month! I should be overjoyed, right? But, when we do have sex, it's fantastic!
The old Woody Allen line fits well here.
HIM: We never have sex! We do it only once or twice a week!
HER: We have sex all the damn time! I don't know what he is complaining about! We do it once or twice a week!
I am in a ten year plus committed relationship. Boyfriend/girlfriend type. The number of time we have had full intercourse is shocking low. I have NEVER come inside of her, unprotected or not. She hates the very idea of me going down on her. It should be something I do for each time we fool around, in my opinion. I want to get her off first, then come myself only afterwards. Preferably getting her off a second time right when I have my first orgasm.
With a little 'help' I can get it up again right away. I want to come several times. I want her to come as much as her body can stand! But she is only able to come once. Then all further desire simply goes out of her, like a switch has been turned off.
So much so that even if I am still hard and obviously 'needing' more to satisfy my own higher sex drive, she can't even bring herself to passively participate.
I am glad that her (one) orgasms is so intense and fulfilling, but it means I have no chance of ever experiencing total sexual exhaustion with her.
I have very good control. Probably too good of control. I should just 'take' what I need and not care what her feelings or desires are. But that side of me isn't something I should explore. Especially with her.
Now that I know her body so well, in better times I could masturbator her clit and get her off anytime she allowed me the chance. She is good for only one orgasm. Then she is finished. Even if I have not come. Now things are so different. Sex is a very guilt filled activity for her, for so many reasons I will never understand it. We have not gotten married, in more than a small part, because of our radically differing sex drives.
She used to be able to enjoy sex. Mutual masturbation was something we did often, rather than intercourse. But she is now a catholic again. No pill. No condoms. And now, in response to a strict fundamentalist sense, no orgasms at all.
I can't tell you the number of times SHE initiated simple fooling around, I got her off, and then she wasn't able to do the same for me. Or eventually getting us BOTH worked up, and then stopping the action dead cold.
Abruptly and with great emotional and physical pain.
Religious sexual guilt sucks!
After actually breaking up with her, over one final blatantly idiotic incident on her part, we have attempted intimacy exactly once in the last year? Or is it now two? I got her off and was hard as a rock, but unable to go over the final edge, no matter what she tried. My mind was hopefully but my body knew better. Eventually it was far too obvious to me. Although she enjoyed playing with my cock again after so long, it was just something she was doing on remote.
After that night, I decided I would stop looking to her for any sort of release.
Period.
It sucks. I feel disloyal and unappreciative for what we do have. He's loving, cuddly, considerate. He loves being around me. Sometimes he'll ask me to sleep on the couch in the office while he stays up working, just so I'll be near him. He wants to cuddle with me on the couch during movies/tv shows. He kisses me. He likes being physically affectionate: scratch my back, rub my neck, kiss my neck, tickle me.
I can understand him doing that. That is how I used to be all of the time. Perhaps in a bit of spite, I have pulled back from doing a lot of those things. Sometimes, such activities involuntarily starts a cycle of foreplay in me. Such intimacy is part of a real feminine need for her, and she misses it. But not enough to change.
It is SO hard to do those things with her, knowing that there is NO chance of ANY sort of sexual activity eventually happening. Good or bad.
I would take his ability and desire to interact that way with you as a VERY good sign. Use it to bolster your belief that sex will return to a level that will fulfill you both some day soon.
He (his words) wants me "love [him] and have fun with [him]". And by that gauge of our relationship, we do have a great relationship.
You guys have been together a long time. That is very special if you still have that kind of desire for true companionship.
I love him, and I love how he makes me laugh, how he relaxes me after a stressful day. But, I'm 31. I don't know if I can be OK with such infrequent sex. I told my mom that Hubby and I have an almost perfect relationship, as long I have no expectations or desire for sex.
I went into my relationship being VERY frank and honest. I told her I had NEVER had an open, honest, trusting, intense and mutually satisfying sexual partner. I told her how sex was extremely important to me. In the end, such forthrightness about all aspects of my life, hopes and past backfired on me. It has never been returned. It will probably NEVER be returned.
We have a good relationship in a lot of ways, but the lack of sex and the walls she maintains is what will eventually end it. Perhaps quite soon.
I do have a question for you . . . that I think might really help . . . if you can answer it honestly.
"Has the highest level of sex you two ever had actually been enough for you desires?"
I guess what I want to know is: Are you trying to recapture something you once enjoyed? Or are you trying to create something that you have never had with him?
Sextified
Edited by Sextified (11/28/11 07:32 PM)
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