#48365 - 10/06/11 02:08 AM
Clueless
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Squea
addict
Registered: 02/11/08
Posts: 580
Loc: Texas
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I'm absolutely and utterly dumbfounded, hopeless, and clueless. I don't know what to do or where to go...so I'm running back to the arms of my friends. I'm hoping they'll forgive me my absence and silence...
I stopped hovering about when Hubby and I went to marriage counseling 2 1/2 years ago. The time we spent on our respective computers, along with a myriad of other issues...caused Hubby to tell me he no longer loved me. Thankfully, counseling helped immensely and things have been better than they ever were.
The last 10 months though have been a trial.
Hubby has been wonderful. He's doted on me, shown me affection, cuddles with me at night, snuggles on the couch after work. Mr. "I Can't Cook" has been making chocolate chip cookies for me! We've been together 10 years, and just celebrated our 6th wedding anniversary.
But, I had a miscarriage just days before christmas, 10 months ago. I wasn't very far along, just long enough to figure out that I was pregnant and have 2 days of agonizing pain when things ended.
Hubby wouldn't talk to me about it until May. We've had sex 4 times since December. Even though Hubby has been so affectionate with me, he's not sexual at all.
Used to be, he'd cup my breast when we cuddled, or I'd cup him as I went to sleep. He used to get hard whenever I touched him.
Now, if I try to touch him in any amorous way he either moves my hand or tells me to stop messing with him. When I am somehow allowed to touch him, he doesn't respond to me. At this point, I don't really try to go farther than that...I don't know that I could really handle being rejected at this point if I pulled out the lingerie.
The times that we have had sex have almost seemed like a matter of "how much can I get you off before you suck me off". When we had last had sex last week, it felt so disconnected and strangely clinical.
I asked him straight out tonight what's going on. I told him my theories. He said he didn't know, that he didn't want to brush me off, but that he didn't want to talk about it tonight. And that some of my theories might be part of the issue.
My theories:
1-he hasn't dealt with the miscarriage
2-he doesn't want kids but doesn't want to tell me (I have PCOS and endometriosis, so having a kid naturally would be pretty difficult anyway)
3-he's not attracted to me
4-he has a physical problem
5-he's "taking care" of himself too much
And it's 1:00 am...I've been crying for 2.5 hours. and I have to be at work in 6 hours...FUCK
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#48371 - 10/06/11 08:47 PM
Re: Clueless
[Re: AntEater]
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Squea
addict
Registered: 02/11/08
Posts: 580
Loc: Texas
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Thanks guys. Things have been going well between us before last night. Yes, no sex isn't a great sign. BUT, it was paired with a lot of physical affection. It wasn't a withdrawal like happened before (when we both pulled away). We are always focusing on time together.
My sex drive has always been much higher than his. I own a vibrator. It usually all works out. I just kinda felt like he was getting whatever he needed from the contact we did have.
I know he doesn't like to talk about me wanting more sex. And from history that just frustrates both of us. I want him to understand and "put out" :). He wants to make me happy, but isn't as interested.
Just last night that fight started off sooo small. And it just kept growing. And when I said that I felt like he was making things bigger, drawing more things in...I hurt his feelings. I finally just had to say that I thought there was some sort of "REAL" issue underlying the fight. We just had to figure out what that issue might be...And I think the lack of sex is a symptom of one of those issues...
It sucks with the kid thing, because I do want to get pregnant, but I have girlie issues x2 that make getting pregnant really difficult. So, the miscarriage really sucked.
I do miss y'all. I just don't spend time on the computer like I did before. I do facebook. Maybe I can figure out how to stop by more often... 
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#48373 - 10/06/11 11:58 PM
Re: Clueless
[Re: Squea]
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Sextified
enthusiast
Registered: 08/18/08
Posts: 371
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I'm hoping they'll forgive me my absence and silence...
Of course we do! Life is full of all sorts of ebbs and flows. This place is subject to that rule too. Just glad you came back when you felt you needed to. I totally understand the need to focus on other things for a while.
Thankfully, counseling helped immensely and things have been better than they ever were.
I don't see why that wouldn't help again if you guys need it. I might keep that in mind. In fact, I would ask your husband if he would be open to that in a few weeks or months. If you both believe that 'safety net' exists, it might ease some tensions, open up some issues, and might prevent it from being needed.
Hubby has been wonderful. He's doted on me, shown me affection, cuddles with me at night, snuggles on the couch after work . . .
That's a great sign. A lot of guys have trouble showing that side of themselves
But, I had a miscarriage just days before christmas, 10 months ago. I wasn't very far along, just long enough to figure out that I was pregnant and have 2 days of agonizing pain when things ended.
I had a friend that had frequent miscarriages. She had similar 'female' problems. The effect of still trying to get pregnant was very rough on her and their relationship.
Hubby wouldn't talk to me about it until May. We've had sex 4 times since December. Even though Hubby has been so affectionate with me, he's not sexual at all.
Every guy reacts differently to this. It can be extremely emotional and confusing on so many different levels. If this was your first miscarriage, and unless you have talked extensively about how you view what happened, he may not know how you would react to another one, or more than one.
Used to be, he'd cup my breast when we cuddled, or I'd cup him as I went to sleep. He used to get hard whenever I touched him. Now, if I try to touch him in any amorous way he either moves my hand or tells me to stop messing with him. When I am somehow allowed to touch him, he doesn't respond to me. At this point, I don't really try to go farther than that.
I think he realizes that you are still just as sexual a person as before, but he may not understand that you are consciously choosing to risk the possible outcomes again. So he is doing his duty to keep you from getting hurt again.
I don't know that I could really handle being rejected at this point if I pulled out the lingerie.
I wouldn't push things that far, for either of your sakes, until you talk more about this. That would lead to a confrontation, and I don't know how he would react to that just yet.
The times that we have had sex have almost seemed like a matter of "how much can I get you off before you suck me off". When we had last had sex last week, it felt so disconnected and strangely clinical.
That totally makes sense to me. I would set some ground rules, after you guys talk. At this point, I see nothing wrong with agreeing to limited sexual interaction until you guys work out the larger issues. Think of it as going steady again, if you can.
Rebuilding sexual interest, reliably, is an important step. If he knows he can trust you, that you will be ok with less than full unprotected intercourse, then that would be a big step for you both.
There are lots of reasons couples have to abstain from time to time.
But if he is still affectionate, still wanting and able to bring you to orgasm, then that's a good sign. Work on ways, and situations, where that is encouraged. Set aside some time, limited in some way, where he knows you aren't expecting to go too far. Before a date. In the shower. Before work. That sort of thing.
Later, after you have had more time to talk about the risks, you can try to have full sex again. If birth control is acceptable, that might be something you have to do. Even something as simple as condoms. It might let him relax enough, to rebuild the frequency of having sex again, to know you won't eventually get hurt from his contribution.
Do you both really want kids? What does he say? What steps could be taken to increase your chances? Have they already been done? Perhaps if he knows that you can't get pregnant, until you both agree to try on purpose, it will ease his mind.
I asked him straight out tonight what's going on. I told him my theories. He said he didn't know, that he didn't want to brush me off, but that he didn't want to talk about it tonight. And that some of my theories might be part of the issue.
Not that atypical for a guy facing tough discussions. He wants to make sure he is prepared, rested, and emotionally able to help you. He obviously doesn't want to make things worse. He also wants you to be ready to discuss things with as little emotion as possible. Where sex isn't an immediate possibility.
1-he hasn't dealt with the miscarriage
[agree]
2-he doesn't want kids but doesn't want to tell me (I have PCOS and endometriosis, so having a kid naturally would be pretty difficult anyway)
[not something I would pretend to know or answer for him. It's possible he can't give an honest answer simply because he has mixed feelings about having kids. Plenty of guys worry about being good dads, and never sought out kids. But when they came along, in the natural corse of things, they were glad and did just fine.]
3-he's not attracted to me
[Don't believe that is possible!] 
4-he has a physical problem
[possible, but not likely. Asking would be tough on you both. Most likely he can get ready, but is doing his best on stopping the thoughts that would lead to that before things can go to far. I think he remembers the pain you went thru last December and thinks its selfish of him to want momentary pleasure when compared to that.]
5-he's "taking care" of himself too much
[quite possible. He could be taking his own edge off, even more, just so he can be 'better in control' around you. In my own relationship, that is all that is left. I have a very high sex drive, or would if I had a partner that allowed herself to have sex. Even anything that leads either of us to orgasms is off limits in her mind. For religious reasons.]
And it's 1:00 am...I've been crying for 2.5 hours. and I have to be at work in 6 hours...FUCK
I was glad to read later on in this thread that you are doing a little bit better.
Honestly?
The best thing for you guys to do is find someplace neutral, like a quiet park or a long drive, to talk all this out. Sometimes the reason therapists work is simply because you have set aside time for discussions, it's not at home or in the bedroom, and you know the other person is really listening with an open mind.
The fact you might become pregnant and might miscarry again has to be properly dealt with. Both for you as individuals and as a couple. Then, after that, time has to pass. Although the miscarriage might have been a while ago, your mutual acceptance of it needs time to sink in.
I am sure that all of this, has made whatever the normal consequences in the disparity in your sexual drives even worse.
You can't ignore the fact there were issues before the miscarriage either. That leads to a false level of expectations. It's tough enough when one partner wants more sex than the other. I wonder if he is masturbating on his own? If so, why he does that. Is it more of a release? Free from any ones expectations other than his own? A private sort of thing, that he has always done?
I guess the thought struggling to get out is this.
This might be a good opportunity for you guys to work on this issue as well. Something good might come out of the loss. It seems like you are closer to each other emotionally and affectionately. Why not try to do the same sexually?
As always, I have plenty of thoughts on this, that I don't bother boring you guys with until I'm asked for them. After you've read thru my ramblings, please let me know what, if any, you want more discussion on from the group.
It's been so odd here at the forums lately. Lots of views. Lot's of reads. Very little comments or feedback. I think that a lot of the various waves of members are still here, just not willing to talk like they used to.
Maybe you checking back in here . . . even for so difficult of a reason . . . can help with that.
Sextified
Edited by Sextified (10/07/11 12:10 AM)
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#48377 - 10/09/11 05:52 PM
Re: Clueless
[Re: Squea]
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Girlie1980
veteran
Registered: 09/23/09
Posts: 1356
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A lot of women have found that the Paleo diet has helped with their PCOS. And it has a side effect of weight loss.
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#48416 - 10/21/11 12:46 AM
Re: Clueless
[Re: Girlie1980]
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Alex_Mann
enthusiast
Registered: 03/01/08
Posts: 211
Loc: Los Angeles CA
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Hi Squea,
As has been said, it is great to see you back here. But then I have been a stranger for a long time as well. I am so sorry to hear of your troubles. But they sound all to familiar to me. I am very much in the same kind of marriage as you. My wife and I are very affectionate towards each other but that is where the intimacy ends.
It has gotten to the point that it is so uncomfortable for either of us to inishiate sex. I am not sure what it all is about. But I don't want to go on about me.
I think that you and your husband are in a rut, and don't know how to climb out. I wish I had an answer for you, but alas I am in the same rut and can't find a ladder my self.
I can tell you that love is wonderful, but without sex it is not as fulfilling as it could be. Many of the comments above from your friends are wonderful. It is true, many men have a hard time talking about how they are feeling and what is bothering them.
If indeed your husband feels guilty that by he brought this pain onto you, that would definitly put a damper on the desire department. I think you two need to find a way to talk about this. Try counsling again. Or go back to your thoughts and the exersizes the counseler had you two do.
For me, comunicaton is the hardest part of a relationship. It's like I expect her to magicly know what is troubling me. I shouldn't have to explain it. This of course, is increadibly stupid logic, but the feeling is real. I know in my case I have to push past that and open up to her. That is very difficult for me, and I believe for most men. And I think many woman feel the same way. it's like "Well if he loves me, shouldn't he know how I feel?"
But none of us are mind readers (thank goodness) So don't be afraid to open up to him. Tell him your fears and desires. I suspect he may do a bit himself as well. but don't expect a flood gate to open. These habits have taken root over years. They will not change overnight.
Well, I've rambled on more then long enough.
But God bless and I hope for the best for both of you.
_________________________
Alex
---Well if you must have an obsession, then it might as well be sex.--
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#48427 - 10/26/11 10:56 PM
Re: Clueless
[Re: Alex_Mann]
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Squea
addict
Registered: 02/11/08
Posts: 580
Loc: Texas
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Wouldn't it be wonderful if there was a magic button that could fix all the little things that are "wrong" in an otherwise wonderful relationship?
I do think masturbation is a big part of it, after talking in depth with Hubby. For him, it's easy, it's there, and always available. I mean, he works from home!
He is thoughtful and wonderful. But, that means (in his words...) that he hates to make me lose sleep. So, I guess a lot of times when he comes to cuddle with me at my bedtime that he's in the mood...but that he's counting the hours until I have to get up. I used to really burn it at both ends, and he makes sure I get to bed at a reasonable hour after I'm caught up in a project.
So I guess to him he has to plan to be in the mood, otherwise he's robbing me of sleep  Kinda a lose lose situation for someone who really cares about me.
He's supposed to be cutting back on the masturbation to see if it makes him more interested in a spontaneous way?
I do have to admit that lately there have been nights I want him to go ahead and get up (he works nights at home. he puts me to bed, then comes to bed about the time I get up) so that I can just go ahead and masturbate. Since he hasn't been into it at all lately, that's the only play time I have for myself. And that certainly isn't healthy for the relationship.
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#48497 - 11/23/11 01:51 AM
Re: Clueless
[Re: Squea]
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Mechknight73
addict
Registered: 01/05/07
Posts: 566
Loc: Perth, Western Australia
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Sorry to hear what you've been going through Squea. I was absent for a while because of an insecure ex (long story, I'll explain later) but you're obviously going through hell. I have a few suggestions:
If you want to lose weight, jokingly point out to him that an "aerobic workout" in bed will help. Allegedly if you're doing it right, the average sex session burns up the same amount of energy as walking a bit over half a mile.
If it's possible for you to visit him during the day, or at a time when he's not expecting you, sneak out to him. If you were to catch him masturbating, don't get angry, just offer to finish him off. One I've recently tried and had great fun with is literally ripping her clothes off. It's the unpredictability he may love; getting an opportunity he wouldn't otherwise have.
I'd say he's painted himself into a corner and hasn't the foggiest of how to get out of this particular rut. If you "dangle" the idea of "uncomplicated" sex in front of him, he may jump at the chance. If my partner moons me, I don't see it as an insult, I see it as an invitation.
_________________________
If life is a highway, meet one of its towtrucks
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