#48343 - 09/20/11 12:12 AM
Re: bondage
[Re: Anonymous]
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Sextified
enthusiast
Registered: 08/18/08
Posts: 371
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ellielle,
Sorry I am so late in responding to this thread, I have been working a lot of extra shifts and busy with a bunch of rewriting.
I would love to hear more about yourself and your boyfriend's relationship. More details always gets better advice in this spot of the forums. But I do have some general suggestions to add to what has already been given.
First, it it so nice to hear that you are the one interested in bondage. So many times it seems to be guys wanting their poor girlfriends to just be helpless to stop them from doing whatever they want.
Safety is first and foremost. By that I mean psychological as well as physical safety. It is so easy to traumatize a partner under the guise of pushing the envelope.
Safewords are a must. But I am of the opinion you need several levels of protection. Also, if gags are ever used, allowances must be made for those times as well.
One word should always mean - STOP! This is over! Let me loose and leave me the hell alone while I recover and think things thru! This should indicate to your partner that something seriously has gone wrong.
One word should mean - Stop! I need this to end soon. Start winding the session down, and set me free.
One word should mean - Wait! I need a second to catch my breath and regroup. Things are okay, I am just a bit overwhelmed for some reason. Wait for me to tell you when to continue. From now on, watch me closely.
One word should mean - Perfect! This is great! Keep it up!
One word should mean - More! I am so close to getting what I want out of this experience!
Obviously, all of the above would be a complicated mess, if you actually tried to put it in to practice. I just wanted you to think about the need to communicate those ideas, while in session, smoothly and in a manner that won't intrude on the sex.
Some couples use colors. Like a stop light. Red is stop. Yellow is pause, look and listen. Green is keep going. I would use one real word for the end of the session, and something simple like the colors to manage the rest of the action.
The part I want you to really understand that this is taking place between two people. If either one of you gets out of control, some very bad things can happen.
You may want to stay bound up longer, but there are some safety issues to consider. You might be begging him for more, but his responsibility might require something else you don't want.
If you are just starting out, I would keep things very simple at first.
Starting out with mind games is so much easier to accomplish. The distraction of trying some weird, but sexy looking, complicated tie is not for beginners.
Bondage is all about trust, feelings, and sex.
Having to constantly worry about ropes, knots and restraints can be a complete buzz kill.
Start out slow, concentrate on learning to deal with the sensations as a couple, and progress to each new level carefully.
I think it is a very good idea to make sure that each partner takes turn being in charge. That even though you may feel you would never want to be the one in control, it is important to learn the basics of what your boyfriend may be feeling.
Also I think it is patently impossible to be a truly good top if you have never spent a significant time being a bottom. Your boyfriend needs to experience both sides, at least at first, until you grow some more as a couple. If he won't, that is a sign there may be serious trouble for you ahead, if you keep experimenting.
Being in charge properly, and keeping things safe, moving along and sexually exciting is not easy.
You both need to learn patience, both while being tied up, and while arranging the ropes.
I would actually just ask your boyfriend to pretend to tie you the headboard first. The blindfold could be real, but you are responsible for keeping your hands in place no matter what level of pleasure or pain he brings to bear on your body.
Then I would have you hold on to ropes tied to the headboard. Then thru loops you can escape from. Then have one hand tied for real. Then both arms.
Adding just one leg is a better start down there as well. He will have easier access to your body, and there will be fewer delays fiddling with ropes at awkward moments.
That all being said, I have always contended that obedience gained by free will is so much more powerful and sexy than just brutish main strength.
Having a partner make themselves follow instruction under duress is often more rewarding than seeing them struggle to break free. Both techniques have their place, and should actually be used together, as you learn more about your sexuality.
There are several very good illustrated books on Japanese rope bondage. Loads of internet porn as well. I think Nina Hartley did a basic bondage series that was well received by couples.
If you want to contact me privately, I'll tell you the best websites I think for you to visit. One actually concentrates on all the behind the scenes action it takes to safely pull off their extreme bondage videos.
I wouldn't use cheap metal or furry handcuffs at all. They are just too unreliable and dangerous. They can unintentionally leave some very hard to explain marks. Damage of the kind that is very recognizable to the outside world.
For beginners I would recommend buying the leather wrist and ankle sets. The theory is to GENTLY restrain a limb, while FIRMLY securing just the restraint.
Too often people using real ropes make the mistake of cutting off circulation too much. That limits the amount of time you can spend playing very severely. As a general rule, tightly bind no body part more than fifteen minutes, even if the skin isn't changing colors.
Nipple clamps, cock and ball restraints, and wooden pegs all have their own specific rules. But in general, the moment the skin changes color, the clock starts ticking.
I am assuming here that you want to keep such play totally a secret. Keep in mind that if you leave marks, it might not stay that way. Schools, roommates, gym showers, bathing suits, physical therapy, massages and doctor's visit all can be a way to publicly be found out.
Learning to secure an ankle or wrist with ropes loosely against the skin, but still totally restrict movement is more of an art form, and a much practiced skill to make it both effective and beautiful.
The readily available nylon or leather restraints shortcut that process, and offer a much safer way to experience virtually the same sensations.
For now . . . DO NOT tie anything around your neck . . . Period!
A little light choking, with hands, is more than exciting enough. By far, the better thing to do is just leave that scene alone for now. If you must, have the person being tied up hold their own breath as long as they can, and hands placed just for effect.
Trust me, the longer you take to get to such extreme stuff the better. Lot's of couples just jump right in to the deep end, and make relationship ending mistakes along the way.
If you go slow, take turns, and add toys only at select times, this can be a very rewarding and intimate experience.
> > > > < < < <
I am actually writing a project all about this subject.
The old boyfriend wanted to initiate his girl into the kinds of sex he had always wanted to do. She wasn't a prude, and liked the idea of playing, just not the way he wanted to go about it.
Eventually they get in to bondage, and one night he betrays her, and adds other people to the scene.
Things get very scary as he loses control of the action in their very own apartment. The resulting damage to his girlfriend is horrible enough she calls for help, from another male friend, when she is finally freed.
Then as her new man helps her to recover, she ensnares her rescuer into teaching her the right way to confront her sexuality.
It's a huge project, that covers so many sexual ideas its impossible to describe in this forum. But forty-three chapters of it are still available in the Members section of the main EroticStories website.
> > > > < < < <
I guess what I want to say is that it is ok to explore this kind of stuff . . . just as long as you both agree to it . . . and do so slowly, kindly and safely.
a) Keep a medical (rounded point) pair of scissors handy at all times.
b) Don't ever attempt to do this stuff angry, drunk, drugged or carelessly.
c) You both have to really be in the mood for bondage play.
d) When one of you wants to stop, even the one in control, you stop.
Private parts, knees, elbows, faces, and the neck are much easier to damage than you think. All it takes is one soft blow given at the wrong angle, or one minute tied up too long, and their can be serious life changing consequences.
If you are doing this right, there will be lots of excitement and passion on both sides. Humans are very stupid when we get that ramped up. Pleasure blinds us to the risks we are taking. We even totally forget about self preservation.
Beyond the obvious physical risks . . . the emotional toll can be even worse . . . and it is BOTH of your responsibility to make sure that does not occur.
I think there is a very slim line between bondage and S&M. Pain is sometimes a part of restraint play. It is the very reason for the existence of sadomasochism.
It is better to have a great deal of experience with the first, BEFORE you ever try the latter.
Intentionally welcoming . . . or causing . . . extreme pain is a very dark road.
Addiction to that kind of sex seems to only grows worse with time, and the stakes constantly have to be raised to get the same level of reward. The risks taken are not the kind that lead most people to long happy lives.
The idea of a fantasy is appealing, even about some very bad and shocking things. The reality is often much more less fulfilling. Once you cross certain lines, it may not even be possible for you to come back to being the person you once were.
Now that I have done my duty to try and scare you a little?
Please, tell us more about your situation, and what you do end up trying. There are people who chime in here occasionally that have a lot more real world experience than I do.
It is always better to learn from someone else's mistakes . . . where ever possible . . . than trying to survive long enough to make them all yourself!
Sextified
Edited by Sextified (09/20/11 01:10 AM)
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#48354 - 09/23/11 02:55 PM
Re: bondage
[Re: Anonymous]
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Sextified
enthusiast
Registered: 08/18/08
Posts: 371
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As of right now, we are just beginning to play. My bf is a little iffy on the tying up stuff...not very comfortable with it. But he admits it is sexy as hell.
That's a good start!
Hopefully he is just worried about hurting you with the ropes. Most adult stores have a small bondage section. Personally, for now, I would ignore everything they have except for a very few things. The velcro bed sheets, the swings, the door hook restraints, ect. Those can all come later at the proper time and place.
I would buy one of the good velcro wrist, ankle, waist sets. They also have Japanese "silk" rope sets. It tends to come in colors. I'd buy two of those. That way you can cut some shorter lengths, and not have to give up the longer ones. Also, I would have him look at all of the male genital restraints and straps, just to see if he finds a few that might eventually interest him.
It's important at this stage to build trust and general interest. He should both give and receive. Learn what works and doesn't, for when he is in charge of you.
I like the idea of being restrained...I guess i have a really open sexual mind!
Think about why you like the idea. What you liked best about the videos you have seen so far. Is it the beauty of the ties? The odd helplessness/confidence of the models? The lack of control for the woman? The unknown direction the sex might take? The mystery of when you will be free again?
That is the things you might want to concentrate on at first. Later on you can 'graduate' to the tightness of the restraint. How hard it is to move. How the rope feels pulling against your skin as you squirm in anticipation of your approaching orgasm. Learning to stretch your bound endurance time limits and patience, as foreplay becomes almost unbearable.
Sometimes, it's what is NOT done that is the sexiest of all.
I have lightly...was afraid of bruising...tied my tits up, and wow, I loved it.
Breast play is one of my favorites, and it is one of the things you can do yourself. Just like a guy can do things easily to his own cock and balls. In fact, I love writing the scenes were the the submissive, male or female, is asked to tie themselves up. For practical reasons, it is safer for him to put any CBT gear on. Once he is used to it, you can help.
Without knowing . . . [ or seeing  ] . . . what your breasts are like I can't offer any concrete suggestions.
But using a long rope and crisscrossing, between your tits, and then around your ribs and back is a good place to start. That also restricts your breathing, a little, adding to what you feel. (corsets are an expensive but very sexy option if you like the 'hugging' feel of this sensation.)
Use that full body arrangement of ropes as the base of a session, then use the shorter lengths to carefully encircle the main 'tube' of your breasts. These ropes are meant to just delicately alter their overall shape. They are not meant to secure you or your breasts. They are to guide and move things around for presentation purposes.
You should be able to wear these particular, very loose ropes, almost indefinitely!
The nipples would be the next and last target. Clamps, pegs, clips should be of the adjustable kind. Not left on long. Taking them off and on, repeatedly, is better than just leaving them on full time. The rush of getting circulation back is fun to be saved for later.
When the play is done, the ropes often HAVE to be removed in reverse order, because the layers can interfere with each other. So keep the tension you use in mind as you get deeper into a session. Otherwise you will constantly be having to cut ropes in 'emergency' situations.
For now, I would do just one set of limbs at a time. I'd even go further to encourage you to try and effectively bind just the top or bottom half of your body minimally, but still for effect.
Ankles, with the knees free. Knees with the ankle free. Wrists, but not the elbows. Forearms only, so your hands and fingers are still available to you. The idea is to keep the intricacy simple enough that the sexual aspects don't get lost in the wait while the ropes are applied.
Occasionally, I'd let him blindfold you, finish the tie, and then reveal it to you at just the right moment.
Also some of the coolest 'looking' rope ties are more visual than you think. The limbs are secured first, then the intricate strands are just window dressing. For the others, if you can braid hair or rope, it's much the same thing. If you are flexible, you can practice the ankle/knee ties yourself.
Learn what works, and what doesn't on your own time. Then one night demonstrate making yourself helpless FOR him. Later, teach him how to do the tie. Make sure you are very encouraging and not too critical. Some people think its all about not being able to escape. Sometimes it is. Most of the time it isn't.
In my opinion, beginners should start out using bondage as an aid and additional interest to sex. A reward, for both of you, for when things are going well in your relationship. Something that shouldn't be done when there is too much tension. Something to be withheld, if there are serious problems. Celebrated if the mood calls for it.
Some couples get trapped into doing ANY fetish too often or all the time. Be excited. Explore. But pace yourself and let the anticipation work for you while it still can.
If one of you isn't in the mood for bondage play, respect that. Do something they really like instead. This is especially important if one of you ends up liking this sort of thing a great deal more than the other. Fair play should extend into the bedroom as well as the rest of your lives.
We have always used 'toys' for me, because I love sucking his cock, and this way he can pleasure me while I pleasure him. So the idea of being restrained opens all kinds of doors.
That's the idea! I think that very thing is what light play was made for. Also some of the male toys do interesting things to his cock that change your experience of going down on him. They can also alter what he feels considerably.
But all the gadgets in the world mean nothing, if it doesn't allow you both to give and receive pleasure. After you have some more experience, and you know how NOT to mess up a rope session, afixing one of you to a stationary object can be really interesting.
I would not discount using long thick strips of cloth instead of ropes. Say a thick blanket cut into strips. A couple of fuzzy belts from bathrobes. Some soft men's neckties. Wide, very soft leather straps. Straps can often be used much tighter, and safer, than rope can be sometimes.
Imagine you are forced to sit upright on the mattress. Bound tightly to the footboard. Leather straps passed around your torso, then snaked around your biceps, and then woven thru the vertical bars of the bed frame. None of the six or so strands are too tight, but working together to secure your back and ribs, you aren't going anywhere!
All the movement you have is up and down a few inches vertically, if you really work at it.
Your arms and legs are free. Your head can be moved around. Kind of like a turtle on it's back. You can do everything you want, you just can't get away. He could go down on you, until you just have to scream. Or he could stand up on the mattress, at the last second, to give you something to quiet you down. Or he could be standing behind you on the floor, where you couldn't see him so easily, preparing to do who knows what to your body next.
Am I getting the point across? Or am I just too fuzzy in my thinking?
One well thought out tie . . . effecting only one part of the body . . . when used with creativity and imagination is a much better recipe for fun than a whole dungeon full of toys or total immobilization.
The mind is still the best tool for better sex.
If you would, go over to the main website, and send me a message thru my author's account there.
There are some good rules here, and I don't want to violate them by carelessly tossing around website addresses.
Also, I would rather you feel free to say what you want to, in a less 'public' location. Then be sure to setup and use a real registered account over here at the forums, so you can keep everyone else up to date on developments, as they occur.
Does your boyfriend know you visit here?
If he finds out later, it's very easy for him to search the old posts, so you might want to keep that in mind. It can be hard to surprise him with an idea, later, if he has already read other people's suggestions.
Or if you need advice on something that goes seriously wrong, you might hurt his feelings unintentionally by being too honest among us.
I do have a few specific scenes that I have written for my project that might interest you.
One of my main characters built an entire dungeon for his girlfriend to explore her fantasies in. Before he would let her use it though, he had to make sure she was in the right of mind. She kept pushing too hard, constantly wanting to be bound and ignoring his own needs, and she really didn't understand how her obsession was endangering their relationship.
So he just decided to demonstrate her shortsighted thinking . . . one drunken night . . . by following her demands exactly.
Clarity in thinking . . . and communicating true intent . . . is very important to this kind of sex.
As I am sure you are about to find out!
Sextified
Edited by Sextified (09/23/11 06:04 PM)
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